We have all faced failed relationships at some points in our lives. Whether it be between you and your partner, your family, your friends, or with yourself.
Today, I want to touch on the topic of romantic relationships – the one between you and your “significant” other.
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**Below is an announcement I want to make. However, if you are not interested in reading it, just skip this part and continue on with “Why Do We Face Failed Relationships at the First Place”!**
Now, I want to let you know something which has affected me a lot.
As some of you might know, I had a boyfriend. However, I am sad to say that we have broken up on 9 May 2018. Yes, it happened not long ago.
I kept quiet during this one month period so that I can recover from the breakup. It wasn’t easy and I am sure it wasn’t easy for the other party as well.
Both of us have agreed to go our separate ways because we feel that it’s the best decision for us. I will not talk about the negative parts of it because I want to respect the privacy of my previous partner. However, we did face many major problems which have caused his love to deteriorate.
I feel that it is only right for me to let you guys know because I have featured him in a few of my previous posts.
Here are the posts where he was featured (on text and/or photos):
Lunch Date at the Next Stop Cafe
Free Ways to Celebrate Your “Anniversary” at Vivo City
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30 Simple Ways You Can Achieve Happiness in April
I want to be as transparent as possible as it just doesn’t feel right for me to leave it in the dark and have people come to me asking what happened after a while.
**This is going to be a very long post (about 2000+ words) so do get a cup of tea or coffee and I will appreciate if you could spare me some time to read this post!**
WHY DO WE FACE FAILED RELATIONSHIPS AT THE FIRST PLACE?
Now that you know what happened, I would like to talk about 10 reasons why we face failed relationshipsin the first place.
Oh and, if you are interested, do check out my previous post on How to Travel in Singapore on a Budget!
There are no right or wrong answers to this. But there are definitely some common reasons behind failed relationships which I have personally faced:
1. YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE DIFFERENT EXPECTATIONS
It’s not an easy task for a couple to walk through a journey together for a long time without having the same expectations and mindsets in life.
As reality and personal demands sets in, a couple’s expectations might go from “what we want” to “what I want”. If this happens, it is very likely that relationship divergence will occur.
2. LACK OF COMMUNICATION
This one is a killer. Without healthy communication, a relationship is very likely to be unsuccessful.
Also, do not be afraid of addressing an issue with your partner even if it affects them negatively. I feel it’s important to talk and discuss problems openly and solving them together rather than keeping quiet just because you do not want to hurt their feelings.
3. LACK OF TRUST
This one is another major killer in many relationships.
Without trust, what is the point of having the relationship? Honestly, without trust, you can never truly love your partner 100% because there will always be a gap between you and your partner.
Even if you have reasons to be suspicious over, I would advise you to talk it out with your partner. Stay sincere and allow your partner to explain the details to you. This will create a stronger bond between you and your partner and prevent any unnecessary misunderstandings.
It’s very important to always think before you act.
4. DIFFERENCE IN PRIORITIES
I’ve been there and it felt so bad.
If your partner prioritizes things above you that are supposedly “unreasonable”, then the relationship might start to get unstable because you feel like you don’t matter in your partner’s life.
5. ISSUES IN LIFE HABITS
Excessive drinking. Smoking. Swearing and so on.
You know what I mean. These bad habits will cause problems in your relationship if one of you are against it.
6. MOVING THROUGH LIFE AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS
Everyone matures at a different rate. For instance, if you are ready to start a family but your partner isn’t ready, tension will arise.
Education is another common factor between young couples where one wants to continue on with further education while the other wants to settle down.
My advice to you is to look for a partner in the same stage of life as you.
7. LACK OF EFFORT AND TIME
For me, the problem I faced was the lack of time. He was always busy with studies and other external activities that we don’t really have any quality time for each other.
This might be a good sacrifice because education is a very important factor in Singapore, and I do not want him to lack behind because of me.
It takes a lot of effort from both parties to make a relationship work. If any of you lack the time and effort to recognize the issues that are threatening your relationship, you are just making room for a breakup.
8. FAMILY ISSUES
Let’s admit it, family and friends have more influential power in your relationship than you realized.
Most times, these loved ones can be supportive of your relationship. However, there are also many cases where you or your partner’s family and friends aren’t. This will cause both of you to drift away from each other if one decides to take in the opinions of others.
Know what kind of friends your partner keeps and what type of advice they give regarding your relationship. If you realized something is concerning about one’s opinion, it’s time to think twice of your relationship.
Always follow your heart and do what is best for you.
9. LOST OF PASSION
When your partner lost feelings for you because they feel that there’s nothing left except for sex, this is a sign that you should end the relationship. They do not truly love you for you anymore.
It’s okay for people to feel insecure about themselves. However, too much might, in turn, kill your relationship.
If you lack self-esteem, this might cause your relationship to lack intimacy because:
1. Physical Appearance – You are not confident in your own body
2. Emotional – You become too clingy and possessive of your partner
Instead of questioning your own worthiness, try asking yourself “What are some things I love about myself?” This will help you build up more confidence about yourself and hence strengthen your relationship.
5 LIFE LESSONS I’VE LEARNT FROM MY FAILED RELATIONSHIPS
With the reasons behind our mind, I want to share with you what I’ve learned through them. Hence, here are 5 life lessons I have learned from my failed relationships:
1. SELF-LOVE IS MORE IMPORTANT
According to Notes On Bliss, she mentioned that “Self-love is the most important kind of love because it determines your capacity to love others”.
I couldn’t agree more.
I didn’t love myself fully, which was why I felt that he would never love me 100%. I always ask myself questions like “He doesn’t really love me, does he?”. I felt that I was lacking in so many ways as a girlfriend.
In turn, I expected him to fill in those gaps for me. Yet, I still wasn’t happy. When he was away from me, I felt myself breaking apart again. This caused many arguments and problems in our relationship because I end up expecting too much from him.
2. DO NOT GIVE TO RECEIVE
I repeat. Do not give to receive.
If you expect anything back from your partner, you are more likely to set yourself up for sadness. Wanting to be loved isn’t wrong, but expecting the love to be given to you just because you showed the same isn’t going to work.
Men and women are different. The way one expresses love might not be the same as the other.
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
I truly believe in Love Language. I have personally experienced them before, both positively and negatively. If you want to know more about Love Language, you can read more on The 5 Love Languages.
If you just want the general idea, these are the 5 Love Languages:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch
Understand your partner’s love language and show them their love language, while still incorporating yours so that they know what your love language is.
By showing your partner’s love language, they are more likely to express your love language back to you. And that will strengthen your relationship with one another.
3. YOU CAN’T CHANGE OTHERS
If you want to change your partner, then they are not the right person for you. Why? If you genuinely love your partner, you will accept their flaws and the way they are.
You can only provide guidance and advice, encouraging them to change for the better. However, that’s really all you could do. Whether or not your partner changes only depends on them.
If they choose not to, then you can never change them, and neither will they ever change. You can either choose to accept them and adapt to it, or you let go of them for the best of you and your partner.
No matter what, do not let their personality affect you negatively.
4. OVERTHINKING IS YOUR ENEMY
Ever heard of “curiosity kills the cat”? Overthinking plays a similar role in that phrase.
When you overthink, you will start building up these negative emotions inside of you because you will think about the worse scenarios that can happen. Even worse, you might start developing anxiety or depression like how I did.
Do not think too much. I know, it sounds easy to say, but in reality, it isn’t something easy to do.
My previous partner and I are heavy victims of overthinking. This has made us drift apart from each other because we felt like the other party “isn’t loyal enough”.
5. YOU WILL SURVIVE
Yes, I have been there.
I told myself and my family that I cannot be happy anymore without him. That I no longer have the courage to love, to smile, and to move on.
But I did. It takes a bit of time, but it will end at some point. You will survive.
These are some things which have helped me and it might help you too:
- Hanging out with my friends
- Deleting photos of him
- Talking it out with my family and friends
- Watching comedy shows and/or movies
- Listening to music
Find activities that keep your mind busy and those that make you happy – It can be anything. From reading a book or going for a walk to visiting the beach or playing your favorite sport!
EVERYONE WILL FACE FAILED RELATIONSHIPS, AND THAT’S OKAY.
I’ve covered with all of you 10 reasons why some relationships failed, as well as 5 life lessons which we can all learn from it.
This has been a very pretty personal and saddening thing for me to address. However, I am glad that I had the courage to express it out to the world.
Hopefully, my advice will help you if you are facing or have faced failed relationships before but don’t know how to handle it. These by no means happens to everyone, find what relates to you and take the necessary actions.
If you want to have a chat with me, feel free to drop me a DM on Instagram or send me a message via the Contact Page. I am more than happy to provide a listening ear and offer you some help!
Which of the above points do you relate to? Let me know the number(s) in the comments, I would love to hear them!
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